Free to Grieve

Thursday March 11th, four weeks to the day after Rebecca's death, three weeks to the day after the news of losing the baby, the anticipated miscarriage came. I should more appropriately say it began.
11 days later I'm still waiting for it to end.
Physically I have been well since being prescribed stronger pain medication. The Darvacet they originally prescribed to me for pain was like a cruel practical joke. But after going back to the doctor and having to be wheeled around the office while crying and holding a tiny bean shaped bowl (another thing, I believe to be a practical joke...I mean really? I'm supposed to throw up in a cereal bowl? anyway....)  they got serious and gave me some real painkillers (the kind that make you pick up your phone to call someone and then just say hello? as if someone called you, instead of dialing the number...)
Mentally and emotionally I was doing okay as well. Last night was a hard night and started to feel very drained. Not physically, but just emotionally and mentally empty. I started reading a book a friend loaned me called  Free to Grieve: Healing and Encouragment for Those Who Have Experienced the Physical. Mental & Emotional Trauma of Miscarriage.
I felt relieved to read that it is common to experience a form of postpartum blues or depression shortly after miscarriage as you have lost and are losing all the pregnancy hormones, much like childbirth.
Not because I in anyway want to experience another period of feeling low and depressed, but It was encouraging to know that what I'm feeling is normal.
I felt like I after I got past the first week of getting the diagnosis of miscarriage I was coping so well and I still have the same perspective as I did before but I just feel so low and burdened now.
I am going through a difficult period and I don't know how long until this will pass but I am so confident that my Lord is with me. My dear friend, Kristy, who has been there for me everyday I needed her through all this, compiled some encouraging verses into an adorable little scrapbook and this verse from Isaiah has been especially encouraging to me right now.

"When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
                                      Isaiah 43:2

I went to Becky's grave today. The tears started before I could even get out of the driveway.
I know that she isn't there. I don't know what I believe about being able to speak to our loved ones who are with the Lord, but I think it can be good to verbalize the things we want to share with them even if they can't hear. I just keep thinking thinking about how I want to talk to becky about losing the baby because she lost a baby last summer and I know it hurt her so much. But then I remember I can't and everytime I have these thoughts it hurts so much and I cry for her and miss her. I miss how well she listened even if she didn't know what to say. So, I thought it would be okay to go to her grave and "talk" about it.

It was the first time back there since her burial. I noticed that right below her is a 10 year old girl named Amy. Right below Amy was a butterfly headstone for a baby named Katherine. There was only one date, February 9th 2006. I assume the baby was stillborn or miscarried or maybe she only lived for a few hours.
Amy was half Rebecca's age and the baby was only a day or maybe never breathed the air of this world. It reminded me that we aren't gauranteed another day of life. I'm thankful for the 20 years that we did have Becky here, even though it was so much shorter than we would ever want or ask for.

On the way there I had the radio tuned to KLOVE, as usual, and the song, Something Beautiful by a band called Need to Breathe came on. I really like this song and the words really resonate with me right now.

I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your wave crashes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown
Will you let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
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And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

I want to thank everyone for their their prayers and words of encouragement. It means alot to me.