Thursday March 11th, four weeks to the day after Rebecca's death, three weeks to the day after the news of losing the baby, the anticipated miscarriage came. I should more appropriately say it began.
11 days later I'm still waiting for it to end.
Physically I have been well since being prescribed stronger pain medication. The Darvacet they originally prescribed to me for pain was like a cruel practical joke. But after going back to the doctor and having to be wheeled around the office while crying and holding a tiny bean shaped bowl (another thing, I believe to be a practical joke...I mean really? I'm supposed to throw up in a cereal bowl? anyway....) they got serious and gave me some real painkillers (the kind that make you pick up your phone to call someone and then just say hello? as if someone called you, instead of dialing the number...)
Mentally and emotionally I was doing okay as well. Last night was a hard night and started to feel very drained. Not physically, but just emotionally and mentally empty. I started reading a book a friend loaned me called Free to Grieve: Healing and Encouragment for Those Who Have Experienced the Physical. Mental & Emotional Trauma of Miscarriage.
I felt relieved to read that it is common to experience a form of postpartum blues or depression shortly after miscarriage as you have lost and are losing all the pregnancy hormones, much like childbirth.
Not because I in anyway want to experience another period of feeling low and depressed, but It was encouraging to know that what I'm feeling is normal.
I felt like I after I got past the first week of getting the diagnosis of miscarriage I was coping so well and I still have the same perspective as I did before but I just feel so low and burdened now.
I am going through a difficult period and I don't know how long until this will pass but I am so confident that my Lord is with me. My dear friend, Kristy, who has been there for me everyday I needed her through all this, compiled some encouraging verses into an adorable little scrapbook and this verse from Isaiah has been especially encouraging to me right now.
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2
I went to Becky's grave today. The tears started before I could even get out of the driveway.
I know that she isn't there. I don't know what I believe about being able to speak to our loved ones who are with the Lord, but I think it can be good to verbalize the things we want to share with them even if they can't hear. I just keep thinking thinking about how I want to talk to becky about losing the baby because she lost a baby last summer and I know it hurt her so much. But then I remember I can't and everytime I have these thoughts it hurts so much and I cry for her and miss her. I miss how well she listened even if she didn't know what to say. So, I thought it would be okay to go to her grave and "talk" about it.
It was the first time back there since her burial. I noticed that right below her is a 10 year old girl named Amy. Right below Amy was a butterfly headstone for a baby named Katherine. There was only one date, February 9th 2006. I assume the baby was stillborn or miscarried or maybe she only lived for a few hours.
Amy was half Rebecca's age and the baby was only a day or maybe never breathed the air of this world. It reminded me that we aren't gauranteed another day of life. I'm thankful for the 20 years that we did have Becky here, even though it was so much shorter than we would ever want or ask for.
On the way there I had the radio tuned to KLOVE, as usual, and the song, Something Beautiful by a band called Need to Breathe came on. I really like this song and the words really resonate with me right now.
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
No, I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your wave crashes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown
Will you let me drown
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side
No I can't leave your side
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
-----------------------
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I want to thank everyone for their their prayers and words of encouragement. It means alot to me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Count it all joy whenever you face trials of many kinds
I having felt like blogging in a long time but I think I'm ready to share what's been going on lately.
In January I was laid off from my job a little before we found out I was pregnant.
I got pretty sick about a week after finding out and stayed that way all day every day for the next few weeks.
Everyone said it was a good sign that I was so nauseous so I tried to happily endure it.
Wednesday Feburary 10th my older sister, Beth, told me that she was pregnant and due 20 days after me.
It felt like a dream come true. I was so excited to be pregnant with my sister.
February 11th at around 10:15 I was driving to inspection with Beth when Sean called me and asked me to come back home. I told him we were almost to the inspection station but he was persistent and he sounded upset.
I was really worried and everyone and his family flashed through my head but I tried to convince myself that it couldn't be that bad.
I tried to think of something other than someone in his family being hurt which was all I could Imagine he would be asking me to come home for.
Nothing could have prepared me for the news. Sean's 20 year old sister, Rebecca, had committed suicide.
I can't explain the pain and shock of hearing that she was gone. I wanted to scream but didn't because I felt like I needed to stay calm for Sean. We immediately went to the Budinsky's.
I felt like there must have been a mistake but when we got there the police where already there and I saw her body laying there in the distance and it began to feel all to real. There was a part of me that wanted to run over and see her but I knew I couldnt handle it and the police wouldnt have let me even if I could.
The CSI's and the detectives arrived and made us leave so they could interview the parents.
Apparently they have to investigate suicide as a homicide.
We were all anxious about Joseph and Rachel coming home from school and telling them so sean and I went to pick up Joe and Jason got Rachel. As hard as it was I think it was good for his parents to have everyone (except jessica) there with them. Rebecca left a note letting us know that it wasn't anyone's fault and that she loved everyone and knows everyone loved her and thanked everyone for trying to help her.
We had so much prayer and support in the day's to follow.
Despite the unbelievable heartbreak our family was experiencing the Lord gave us peace that surpasses all understanding. We are confident that our beautiful Becky is with the Lord and we know we'll meet her again someday. There are so many more feelings I have about this but it's too soon to say anymore than this.
Thursday, February 18th I went to the doctor. She wasn't going to do an ultrasound and was going to send me home but decided she would try to find the heartbeat. She couldn't find it but didn't seem worried and made a comment about the baby bringing light to our family then walked out. Two minutes later I'm being told by an ultrasound tech that it looks as if I have a blighted ovum. Am I supposed to know what that means?
Since she told me as if she was letting me know I had a common cold surely it wasn't bad, right?
But it didn't sound like something I wanted to hear and I had this horrible sinking feeling come over me.
I just sat there staring at the empty black hole on the screen.I couldn't say anything. Fortunately my mom had come with me, because I was too faint to drive, so she was in the room with me and asked her "So what does that mean?''
She said that the baby had stopped developing and my sac had continued to grow.
I tried so hard not to feel anything but I just wanted to be anywhere else but sitting next to this lady who had just ripped out my already broken heart.
She sent me to another room to wait for the doctor. She came in with an older man and he did most of the talking. They didn't really explain much more about what had happened except to say that the baby was lost early on and my body didn't realize it and continued to grow the sac and give all symptoms of being pregnant.
So essentially they were telling me that I was still pregnant but my baby was gone.
They gave me the option of having a D&C or waiting to miscarry naturally.
I would have been about 9 weeks calculating by my LMP but the tech dated the sac at 10 weeks.
At first I wanted the D&C because I just wanted it to be over immediately because I was so upset.
We prayed about what to do over that weekend. We went to church on sunday still not knowing what to do. I was really wanting it to be over with so I could move on and so I kept trying to make the D&C work in my head but the Lord just wasn't giving peace about it. During worship that morning we had a special time of prayer and I was sitting against the wall trying to pray while someone was praying for sean. I was looking at all the other children and thinking about all my wrecked plans, and how long it would be until I could have a child, and what if something like this happens again. In the midst of all of my self-reliant thinking I felt like the Lord said to me "TRUST ME, TRUST ME." It was so clear it was as if he had spoken out loud to me.
So I prayed that the Lord would give me the strength to trust him and the peace and patience to endure whatever lies ahead for me. He is so faithful and has truly given me the peace of christ. I'm still disappointed and hurting but my hope is in the Lord and I know he is drawing us closer to him through these trials.
"Count it all Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of various kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have it's full effect so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
It's been almost two weeks since the ultrasound and nothing has happened. I should be between 11-12 weeks now and the doctor's seem to think I would have miscarried by now and wanted me to come back in this week but I wanted to wait so I made and appointment for monday.
I'm in or about to be in the second trimester and, from what I understand, there is a higher risk of having to have an emergency D&C if I I miscarry in the 2nd trimester.
I don't know what the Lord's plan for this is or why I have to endure being pregnant and feeling pregnant while not having a child to look forward to. I don't know why I don't get to be pregnant with my sister like I've always dreamed. I don't know why this happpened right after the worse thing that had ever happened in my life. I do know that the Lord is giving me the strength to get through it and he does have a plan and it's to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.
That's all I feel like writing for now but I just like I was ready to let people know.
Please continue to pray for Chris and Penny and all the "kids." We had so much prayer and support the first week and we are so grateful. I hope that people will continue to lift us up in prayer as we are still very much grieving and missing her.
In January I was laid off from my job a little before we found out I was pregnant.
I got pretty sick about a week after finding out and stayed that way all day every day for the next few weeks.
Everyone said it was a good sign that I was so nauseous so I tried to happily endure it.
Wednesday Feburary 10th my older sister, Beth, told me that she was pregnant and due 20 days after me.
It felt like a dream come true. I was so excited to be pregnant with my sister.
February 11th at around 10:15 I was driving to inspection with Beth when Sean called me and asked me to come back home. I told him we were almost to the inspection station but he was persistent and he sounded upset.
I was really worried and everyone and his family flashed through my head but I tried to convince myself that it couldn't be that bad.
I tried to think of something other than someone in his family being hurt which was all I could Imagine he would be asking me to come home for.
Nothing could have prepared me for the news. Sean's 20 year old sister, Rebecca, had committed suicide.
I can't explain the pain and shock of hearing that she was gone. I wanted to scream but didn't because I felt like I needed to stay calm for Sean. We immediately went to the Budinsky's.
I felt like there must have been a mistake but when we got there the police where already there and I saw her body laying there in the distance and it began to feel all to real. There was a part of me that wanted to run over and see her but I knew I couldnt handle it and the police wouldnt have let me even if I could.
The CSI's and the detectives arrived and made us leave so they could interview the parents.
Apparently they have to investigate suicide as a homicide.
We were all anxious about Joseph and Rachel coming home from school and telling them so sean and I went to pick up Joe and Jason got Rachel. As hard as it was I think it was good for his parents to have everyone (except jessica) there with them. Rebecca left a note letting us know that it wasn't anyone's fault and that she loved everyone and knows everyone loved her and thanked everyone for trying to help her.
We had so much prayer and support in the day's to follow.
Despite the unbelievable heartbreak our family was experiencing the Lord gave us peace that surpasses all understanding. We are confident that our beautiful Becky is with the Lord and we know we'll meet her again someday. There are so many more feelings I have about this but it's too soon to say anymore than this.
Thursday, February 18th I went to the doctor. She wasn't going to do an ultrasound and was going to send me home but decided she would try to find the heartbeat. She couldn't find it but didn't seem worried and made a comment about the baby bringing light to our family then walked out. Two minutes later I'm being told by an ultrasound tech that it looks as if I have a blighted ovum. Am I supposed to know what that means?
Since she told me as if she was letting me know I had a common cold surely it wasn't bad, right?
But it didn't sound like something I wanted to hear and I had this horrible sinking feeling come over me.
I just sat there staring at the empty black hole on the screen.I couldn't say anything. Fortunately my mom had come with me, because I was too faint to drive, so she was in the room with me and asked her "So what does that mean?''
She said that the baby had stopped developing and my sac had continued to grow.
I tried so hard not to feel anything but I just wanted to be anywhere else but sitting next to this lady who had just ripped out my already broken heart.
She sent me to another room to wait for the doctor. She came in with an older man and he did most of the talking. They didn't really explain much more about what had happened except to say that the baby was lost early on and my body didn't realize it and continued to grow the sac and give all symptoms of being pregnant.
So essentially they were telling me that I was still pregnant but my baby was gone.
They gave me the option of having a D&C or waiting to miscarry naturally.
I would have been about 9 weeks calculating by my LMP but the tech dated the sac at 10 weeks.
At first I wanted the D&C because I just wanted it to be over immediately because I was so upset.
We prayed about what to do over that weekend. We went to church on sunday still not knowing what to do. I was really wanting it to be over with so I could move on and so I kept trying to make the D&C work in my head but the Lord just wasn't giving peace about it. During worship that morning we had a special time of prayer and I was sitting against the wall trying to pray while someone was praying for sean. I was looking at all the other children and thinking about all my wrecked plans, and how long it would be until I could have a child, and what if something like this happens again. In the midst of all of my self-reliant thinking I felt like the Lord said to me "TRUST ME, TRUST ME." It was so clear it was as if he had spoken out loud to me.
So I prayed that the Lord would give me the strength to trust him and the peace and patience to endure whatever lies ahead for me. He is so faithful and has truly given me the peace of christ. I'm still disappointed and hurting but my hope is in the Lord and I know he is drawing us closer to him through these trials.
"Count it all Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of various kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have it's full effect so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4
It's been almost two weeks since the ultrasound and nothing has happened. I should be between 11-12 weeks now and the doctor's seem to think I would have miscarried by now and wanted me to come back in this week but I wanted to wait so I made and appointment for monday.
I'm in or about to be in the second trimester and, from what I understand, there is a higher risk of having to have an emergency D&C if I I miscarry in the 2nd trimester.
I don't know what the Lord's plan for this is or why I have to endure being pregnant and feeling pregnant while not having a child to look forward to. I don't know why I don't get to be pregnant with my sister like I've always dreamed. I don't know why this happpened right after the worse thing that had ever happened in my life. I do know that the Lord is giving me the strength to get through it and he does have a plan and it's to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.
That's all I feel like writing for now but I just like I was ready to let people know.
Please continue to pray for Chris and Penny and all the "kids." We had so much prayer and support the first week and we are so grateful. I hope that people will continue to lift us up in prayer as we are still very much grieving and missing her.
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