Count it all joy whenever you face trials of many kinds

I having felt like blogging in a long time but I think I'm ready to share what's been going on lately.
In January I was laid off from my job a little before we found out I was pregnant.
I got pretty sick about a week after finding out and stayed that way all day every day for the next few weeks.
Everyone said it was a good sign that I was so nauseous so I tried to happily endure it.
Wednesday Feburary 10th my older sister, Beth, told me that she was pregnant and due 20 days after me.
It felt like a dream come true. I was so excited to be pregnant with my sister.

February 11th at around 10:15 I was driving to inspection with Beth  when Sean called me and asked me to come back home. I told him we were  almost to the inspection station but he was persistent and he sounded upset.
I was really worried and everyone and his family flashed through my head but I tried to convince myself that it couldn't be that bad.
I tried to think of something other than someone in his family being hurt which was all I could Imagine he would be asking me to come home for.
Nothing could have prepared me for the news. Sean's 20 year old sister, Rebecca, had committed suicide.
I can't explain the pain and shock of hearing that she was gone. I wanted to scream but didn't because I felt like I needed to stay calm for Sean. We immediately went to the Budinsky's.
I felt like there must have been a mistake but when we got there the police where already there and I saw her body laying there in the distance and it began to feel all to real. There was a part of me that wanted to run over and see her but I knew I couldnt handle it and the police wouldnt have let me even if I could.
The CSI's and the detectives arrived and made us leave so they could interview the parents.
Apparently they have to investigate suicide as a homicide.
We were all anxious about Joseph and Rachel coming home from school and telling them so sean and I went to pick up Joe and Jason got Rachel. As hard as it was I think it was good for his parents to have everyone (except jessica) there with them. Rebecca left a note letting us know that it wasn't anyone's fault and that she loved everyone and knows everyone loved her and thanked everyone for trying to help her.
We had so much prayer and support in the day's to follow.
Despite the unbelievable heartbreak our family was experiencing the Lord gave us peace that surpasses all understanding. We are confident that our beautiful Becky is with the Lord and we know we'll meet her again someday. There are so many more feelings I have about this but it's too soon to say anymore than this.
Thursday, February 18th I went to the doctor. She wasn't going to do an ultrasound and was going to send me home but decided she would try to find the heartbeat. She couldn't find it but didn't seem worried and made a comment about the baby bringing light to our family then walked out. Two minutes later I'm being told by an ultrasound tech that it looks as if I have a blighted ovum. Am I supposed to know what that means?
Since she told me as if she was letting me know I had a common cold surely it wasn't bad, right?
But it didn't sound like something I wanted to hear and I had this horrible sinking feeling come over me.
I just sat there staring at the empty black hole on the screen.I couldn't say anything. Fortunately my mom had come with me, because I was too faint to drive, so she was in the room with me and asked her "So what does that mean?''
She said that the baby had stopped developing and my sac had continued to grow.
I tried so hard not to feel anything but I just wanted to be anywhere else but sitting next to this lady who had  just ripped out my already broken heart.
She sent me to another room to wait for the doctor. She came in with an older man and he did most of the talking. They didn't really explain much more about what had happened except to say that the baby was lost early on and my body didn't realize it and continued to grow the sac and give all symptoms of being pregnant.
So essentially they were telling me that I was still pregnant but my baby was gone.
They gave me the option of  having a D&C or waiting to miscarry naturally.
I would have been about 9 weeks calculating by my LMP but the tech dated the sac at 10 weeks.
At first I wanted the D&C because I just wanted it to be over immediately because I was so upset.
We prayed about what to do over that weekend. We went to church on sunday still not knowing what to do. I was really wanting it to be over with so I could move on and so I kept trying to make the D&C work in my head but the Lord just wasn't giving peace about it. During worship that morning we had a special time of prayer and I was sitting against the wall trying to pray while someone was praying for sean. I was looking at all the other children and thinking about all my wrecked plans, and how long it would be until I could have a child, and what if something like this happens again. In the midst of all of my self-reliant thinking I felt like the Lord said to me "TRUST ME, TRUST ME."  It was so clear it was as if he had spoken out loud to me.
So I prayed that the Lord would give me the strength to trust him and the peace and patience to endure whatever lies ahead for me. He is so faithful and has truly given me the peace of christ. I'm still disappointed and hurting but my hope is in the Lord and I know he is drawing us closer to him through these trials.

"Count it all Joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of various kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. and let steadfastness have it's full effect so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  James 1:2-4

It's been almost two weeks since the ultrasound and nothing has happened. I should be between 11-12 weeks now and the doctor's seem to think I would have miscarried by now and wanted me to come back in this week but I wanted to wait  so I made and appointment for monday.
I'm in or about to be in the second trimester and, from what I understand, there is a higher risk of having to have an emergency D&C if I I miscarry in the 2nd trimester.
I don't know what the Lord's plan for this is or why I have to endure being pregnant and feeling pregnant while not having a child to look forward to. I don't know why I don't get to be pregnant with my sister like I've always dreamed. I don't know why this happpened right after the worse thing that had ever happened in my life. I do know that the Lord is giving me the strength to get through it and he does have a plan and it's to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future.
That's all I feel like writing for now but I just like I was ready to let people know.
Please continue to pray for Chris and Penny and all the "kids." We had so much prayer and support the first week and we are so grateful. I hope that people will continue to lift us up in prayer as we are still very much grieving and missing her.