Will I Choose Perfectionism and Pride or Obediance and Action?

God isn't interested in our stellar Performance but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities. -Beth Moore

Silence and solitude is a very difficult discipline for me.
I realized that even in my "quiet time" with the Lord I am praying or reading or journaling and very rarely do I ever just sit in silence, listen and wait on the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart. But a couple of weeks ago I prayed and in effect said "Father, I'm going to be still, shut up and listen so please speak to my heart.”
I have felt the Lord leading me to minister in a certain area for awhile but have convinced myself that I needed to "prepare myself," I need to "get it together," I need to "figure things out."
I also begin to feel defeated before I have even tried to serve in this area. I start to think that I'm not needed and that what I have to offer isn't necessary for the people I would be serving.
But that day I really felt like the Lord leading me to move forward in this area even though I'm not perfect, even though I don't "have it all figured out." Imagine that, The Lord wanting me to use me before I have achieved perfection? I know, it very perplexing but as it turns out we're never in our earthly existence going to be perfect.
Two days later, I was doing my homework for the Esther bible study and Beth Moore presented Esther’s approaching the king in whole new way to me. In chapter 5 when Esther approaches the king she has just walked into a life or death situation. Even if the king did extend his scepter to her there was still a chance the king would not show grace and save her people from genocide.
But Esther said "if I perish, I perish." and prepared to approach the king in anyway.
But this is what was so encouraging to me; Esther probably didn't have it all together.
King Xerxes asked the question "what is it Queen Esther? What is your request?..."
The Hebrew word used was mah lak, translated in Esther as "what is it”, and is also translated as "what troubles you" or "what ails you."
This shows the king knew something was wrong with Esther. This was likely due in part to her breaking protocol but also very likely, it was apparent in her demeanor.
Also, when Queen Esther replies to the king her words translate as broken sentences.
Basically like she starts to say something and then stops and rephrases it.
Perhaps as if she was nervous and her voice was a little shaky. (Just a suggestion by Beth Moore)
When I read this I thought if Queen Esther was like me and a lot of women and waited to be obedient and to do what she was called to do until she could do it flawlessly, without nervousness or the risk of screwing something up......the Jews would be dead!
Often we don't want to do something because it makes us nervous or we think we won't know what to say or how to do it perfectly and we are fearful that people will see that.
Reading this was such an encouragement to me to think that great Queen Esther might have not had it all together but she acted anyway!
This was encouraging to me, especially since the Lord was already working on my heart in this area.
"I'm not suggesting that we shouldn't do our best. I'm simply saying that sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He is proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do his will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities." -Beth Moore